Sunday, June 11, 2006
Sadness.
I knew this would happen. I know it before I made my decision. I know it when I made my decision and it IS happening now. I don't know how to face my fellow band members. I feel like I'm letting them down by not being there for them when they need me. I'm not indispensable but being in a band doesn't works that way. Everyone matters. It's a whole unity thing rather than any individual. I've never been in much more of a dilemma when making the choice of whether to play. All along I didn't want to commit but I felt obliged to because I had by far been there to help out and I do/did enjoy playing for the band. Maybe I should have voiced my non-committal much earlier on rather than now but at the initial stage I felt so obliged because of the lack of players and because I didn't have as much committments as now. I know my playing is not up to standard and I really do not have that kind of confidence in my playing anymore. The only reasons I stayed on were because of Ms Chew, Lin Sheng, my sections, the DHS people and my passion and love for playing the clarinet. I really do like playing with everyone and all, but I have to think of other factors too, especially now that I'm working. I want to spend more time with ds, I want a rest on my off days and I don't want to sacrifice my saturdays. Yes, so a large part of the reasons for me to pull out is personal and selfish but it's really hard to find that balance point. It's not that I've never think through and that I want to be irresponsible and I have nothing more to say except that I've tried my best in everything on making the decision and I won't regret it no matter what happens and what everyone or anyone says. I really can't help it. No matter which decision I make, I'll let someone down, be it the band or myself. And I chose to be selfish this time round. Sigh.
I feel really sorry and bad for letting everyone down with this decision of mine, but since I know for sure I won't be able to commit, this is the best decision I can come up with. I just wish everyone will understand if not I'll really don't know how to face everyone ever again. The first person I am now being "confronted" by is HC. He told me he felt shocked when he first heard it and I can already sensed the disappointment in his tone. I explained to him already and he is still trying to understand. He is the first and I can slmost see the next few people whom I have more explaining to make. Tim, Lihao, William and especially Deb. I really don't know how I'm going to face her. Sigh. I feel so screwed up. Sigh.
♥ The Face Of Love
1:15 AM
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